WriteWise report
Ava · Year 5 · Persuasive
Overall progress
On track, next step: transitions
Writing prompt
“Should students be allowed to bring their mobile phones to school? Write to convince your reader.”
Ava's writing
I think students should not be allowed to bring phones to school. Phones can be a big distraction and they can stop kids from doing their work. When I forgot my phone last week, I got so much more done because I was not always checking it. Also, phones can be used to bully people online during recess, which is not fair. Some kids say phones help them call their parents in an emergency, but the office phone works just as well and its always there. In conclusion, phones should stay at home so we can all learn better.
Excerpt shown in full for clarity. Real reports highlight evidence spans inline.
Rubric scores
Audience4/6
Text structure3/4
Ideas4/5
Persuasive devices3/5
Vocabulary3/5
Sentence structure3/4
Cohesion3/4
Paragraphing2/2
Punctuation3/5
Spelling4/6
Rubric aligned to NAPLAN persuasive marking guides.
Strengths
Clear position stated upfront
“I think students should not be allowed to bring phones to school.”
Reader knows the argument in the first sentence — strong opening.
Uses a personal experience as evidence
“When I forgot my phone last week, I got so much more done because I was not always checking it.”
A concrete example makes the reason believable and specific.
Considers an opposing view
“Some kids say phones help them call their parents in an emergency, but the office phone works just as well…”
Acknowledging the other side lifts persuasive maturity.
Focus areas
Vary sentence openers
“Phones can be a big distraction… Also, phones can be used to bully… In conclusion, phones should stay…”
Many sentences begin with 'Phones' or a linking word. Try starting some with a question, a person, or an action.
Add stronger persuasive devices
“Phones can be a big distraction and they can stop kids from doing their work.”
Add a rhetorical question, a striking statistic, or emotive language to lift impact.
Tighten paragraph transitions
“Also, phones can be used to bully people online during recess…”
'Also' is a light connector. Try 'Not only that,' 'Furthermore,' or 'On top of this,'.
One priority improvement
Do this next
Improve paragraph transitions
Between every paragraph, add a linking phrase that tells the reader how this new reason connects to the last one. This is the single biggest lift for your Cohesion and Persuasive-devices scores.
Not only that,Furthermore,On the other hand,Even more importantly,
Rewrite task
Rewrite the second paragraph
Rewrite the paragraph that starts with 'Also, phones can be used to bully…'. Begin it with a linking phrase and include one rhetorical question to hook the reader. Keep your own ideas — WriteWise does not write it for you.
Note for the parent
Ava's argument is clear and her personal example works well — that's a mature move for Year 5. Her next growth area is transitions between paragraphs. This week, please ask her to underline the linking phrases in two short news articles and try one in her next draft.
A message for Ava
You have a clear opinion and a real example from your own week — that's the hardest part of persuasive writing! Your next challenge is to glue your paragraphs together with a linking phrase. Give it a go — you're closer than you think.